Life On Auto-Pilot : Zombie Mode Living

My life so far ran on auto-pilot for 99.9% of it's time.
It's hazy living. Foggy. Blurry. Coasting along.

Life In A Blur
Life In A Blur

Everything just touches the brain barely or superficially. Nothing ever gets internalized or registered in my brain. I could swear that if I was in coma for the past five years, no one would have noticed it most of the time, including(especially) the people at my office. All the important events in my life happened because of external factors - as part of other people's big plans. All the important people in my life exist because of their own stubbornness to be there for me. All the other people who are supposed to be important, but didn't have the stubbornness or the stupidity, are just there - barely.

Basically I am the kind of person who will eat the salt-less food rather than walk ten steps, get salt, add it to the food and make it delicious. What is wrong with me? Laziness? Used to too much comforts? Apathy? Delusional? Scared of change? Inertia? Just plain stupid?

My time or life fillers are a way to distract myself from the reality and the panic that induces in my unstable brain. I can win an award for inventing maximum number of side quests while working on the actual thing. For example, yesterday, when I decided to figure out the problem(s) with myself, these are the side quests I got into to distract myself : watch The Office bloopers, organize wardrobe, daydream, google what book to read next, install reddit(again), eat yogurt though I am full, memes, check out the wrinkles on my forehead and worry to increase the wrinkles more, read youtube comments, sing Staying Alive, google lyrics.......

I am not exaggerating. It's like The Machinist going through elaborate imaginary plot to escape a repressed ugly memory.

Auto-pilot life is a vicious cycle. If anxiety about a particular thing caused your brain to shut down and go auto-pilot, chances are that you will probably suck at that thing. This leads to low self esteem and more escapism from reality. And as long as this keeps going on, the actual reality and your perceived reality will be poles apart. You will look for more pain killers in the form of a new TV series, shopping, day dreaming or even worse addictions - anything to keep you off from reality.

But what is wrong with being on auto-pilot? Am I not protected from the harsh reality?
My life seems fine.
Is it really though? It's like the dog in a room of fire meme saying - "This is fine"

I started with asking myself what do I really want from life? What's the point of it? And I stole from somewhere that the answer that fits (at least to me) is to have a good time - be it being happy, peaceful, a sense of pride after achieving something, a overwhelming love for someone, an epiphany, awed by an awesome read, excited by something which you have never done before, blessed by serendipity...all good stuff.

If I were to die in an hour, I will probably spend my time with my family.
If I have a day, I will try to squeeze in more people I love, eat great food and splurge money like there's no tomorrow(pun).
If I have a month, I will probably strategize on how well I could spend my time -may be visit a favorite place with family.
If I have a year, I will focus on ticking off as many items as possible from my bucket list.
If I have 10 years, I will spend more and more time on things I love, I may pick a different career altogether.

We don't know when we will die.
We have to live now. In this moment.
But we may not die anytime soon(sorry to disappoint).
We have to work for tomorrow.

We need to take care of both present and future selves.

It's simple logic actually, probably not easy though.
Life: Maximize good times.
Have some fun today, so that if you drop dead tomorrow, it's still okay.
Take care of your bestie - your future self, don't overburden it and dwindle it's good times.

An auto-pilot life leaves no memories - no good times. It's not a life actually - it's just mere existence.



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