Unlimited Negativity And Other Cynical Things

Unlimited Negativity And Other Cynical Things

You wonder when you have become the master of seven deadly emotions - rage, panic, despair, bitterness, melancholy, shame and just good old pure hatred for most of the things, especially for yourself. 

• Rage, that hurts your head, makes that forehead nerve pulsate like it will explode anytime leaving a Dexter's kind of blood splatter, makes you breathe heavily like a demon as if your nostrils are trying to cool down your brain by exhausting out the wrath inside.
• Panic, that, while casually watching something funny on your phone, you need to keep it down and stare at the ceiling for a while - as if you can see your own doom projected on the ceiling and this time the nostrils act all dramatic, gasping for air as if the lungs are dying.
• Despair, so much, that you can match Poe's darkness.
• Bitterness, so much, that your heart is forever poisoned and nothing positive can ever grow there. You always sound like Bruce Almighty, just before he became the Almighty.
• Melancholy, so worthy of recording for future generation psychiatrists, tragedy authors, poets and even scientists.
• Shame, that you are always cringing at your own existence.
• Hatred, so so much, that you are literally a Sith Lord.

The other things which you feel are also not helping the cause:

• Exhausted: overflowing and over worked brain - confused, bheja fried, trying to avoid confronting its own thoughts, sometimes not able to find any words and sometimes overpouring everything on to pages and pages.  
• Stuck in a loop: Days that keep you forever busy, yet you cant seem to make any dent in anything and yet still seem all the same - living the same hell everyday. Ticking clock that never gives you any break - chop chop - keep ticking. 
• Restless though exhausted.
• Helplessness - nowhere to seek help or support or comfort. Old escape mechanisms don't seem to be working anymore - you try to laugh through entertainment, numb through sleep, distract through chores, focus through work, but the damn dread never retreats its claws from your brain. You want out of it, but you are too frozen in your own frigid routine, too overwhelmed to start anywhere, too enslaved by your own thoughts
• Taken for granted, forever - invisible, never appreciated and to top it, get criticized for anything and everything.
• Doormat - yeah, sure, walk all over me.
• Do you ever get that feeling that the universe is always out there conspiring against you? The world's there just to make your life miserable? That people exist so that they could actively hurt you or just casually instill some form of injustice for every effort you make? That even you are against yourself, or at least past-you had been a real jerk to you?
• Losing yourself or already lost yourself - past-you is too cool for you.
• Not giving any effs and realize that the world had stopped giving any effs about you long long ago - congratulations, you are late here too.
• Obsolete: you never saw it coming, it just happened slowly, it just crept in, gradually, bit by bit over several years - you had that sinking feeling sometimes, but you never realized that everything is changing and you are - just there, frozen in time like a fossil. You don't wonder about how to change your life, you wonder when you have become this creature-beyond-redemption. You are sometimes surprised how you ended up like this, you always thought that you would amount to something nice, if not exceptional in future, but the problem is - the future is now and the dream has become the day that never comes.
• Failure/Loser: In every aspect of your life! Cant seem to be winning at anything.

Congratulations, you are one lab experiment away from becoming the super-villain.

~

PS: I am sorry for being the shining beacon of negativity on a Friday.