Life - Purpose and Meaning

Since few months, the question on my mind is - What's the goddamn point of anything? 

I just couldn't see the meaning/purpose/point of life. I know that everything is just random - this universe, our earth, our existence - a beautiful chance happening. Being an atheist, I couldn't find solace and hope, which one gets from faith. I started searching for any clue, to make sense of all this, to make sense of my life. I couldn't find any goal that's worth pursuing, I couldn't envision my future - how I will be after 10/20 years. I am completely disconnected from the world and from all the things that interested me earlier. I welcomed work, because that kept me busy. Any slightly idle day would drive me crazy, I couldn't even read a paragraph without being distracted. My brain was and is so foggy. I can't even form a single coherent thought, there's only scattered bits and pieces of vague ideas - any attempt to pursue them also means contaminating them with my despair(idk how to explain this-it's like electrons behaving differently when observed). 

The book "Lost Connections" mentions potential reasons for depression as disconnection from meaningful work, people, meaningful values, trauma(suppression), status and respect, nature, secure future. I have no trauma and I have been trying to live with integrity after a long period of self hatred(those Bojack Horseman days). But I have all other things going not so great in my life- meaningless work that won't even matter on my resume, lost connections, feeling worthless in both personal and professional lives, no actual vacation/being in touch with nature since 2019, no future or at least just future where I am still a meaningless clog in the society. At a point, I felt so suffocated and felt as if there's a lump in my throat most of the time. Life got monotonic with chores and work. 

Everyday I wake up, make myself a coffee and pour it into this pink mug with a joyful cute blue elephant printed on it. The first day I had coffee in it, it felt as if the elephant was cheering and waving at me. Now after so many months have passed, after living the same day again and again, after pouring coffee so many times into that pink mug, I felt myself going through anger, frustration, sadness and despair looking at the once joyful blue elephant. The elephant hasn't changed, it still looks like the happy elephant at the end of the Paradise song. 

Blue Elephant

It's just me, stuck in a routine - wake up half asleep at 6, have coffee, cook breakfast and lunch, stuff myself with breakfast, login to work by 8, stay busy doing work(same same but different), logoff by 5, try to motivate myself till 6 to do something with my life but be super exhausted to do anything, give up and passive watch some new series/movie, sleep scrolling though the internet (more like toss and turn till the alarm goes off) and repeat all over again. 

It's like the Doctor Who episode "Heaven Sent", where the Doctor goes through several cycles of the same sequence of events for 4.5 billion years, it's just that the Doctor did it, because he had a purpose - punch the Azbantium wall in each iteration so that it breaks away finally and he can escape the torture castle.

The numbing heroes of my life are junk food, series/movies, internet and surprisingly my work. Take away any of them, all my zombie brain cells run in panic - they don't know what to do.

Panic

I tried to put myself through weird questioning to find what matters to me :

• What if I die now, ranging from a day, a month, an year..to 10 years? What will I do? To see if time crunch would finally make me realize what's important.
• What if I win lottery, ranging from 1 lakh, 25L, 50L..to 10cr(10cr bcoz my highest imagination is also capped by my hard wired brain)? To see if I had all the riches, what would I focus on?
• How was my life before, ranging from 6 months, 1 year..to 5 years?

They all led to even more depressing answers in my case, but they are worth pondering on. 

In my quest to find the point, I realized after lot of digging, that, of course, there's no point of anything. This may seem depressing, but it may actually be liberating - a bit. There's no point in wondering why we are here and drowning into existential crisis, unless you are a philospher. We are here and that's a fact. We live in a society and 99.99% are meant to live in this society(even the introverts). It's useless to fight everything, unless your agenda is to bring some kind of reform. We have a life and best thing to do with it would be to just live. The movie "Soul" brilliantly protrays the same - the purpose of soul isn't finding spark, but just the intention to live life. 

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.” - Alan Watts

Even if you have 99 problems, its worth finding joy or comfort in that 100th thing that's going well. I am not talking about nauseating optimism, but rather on just building around positive things that will make your life better. Focusing on solutions is better than fixating on problems. Let go of what you can't change, there's no point in breaking your heart over it again and again. Accept reality. Focus on the vast infinite other things life and world have got to offer. 

May be, I should just live as if after dying, I have to answer a 16 marks question about life, fill in so many additional answer sheets with all the exciting and awe inspiring things of life like a crazy maniac who's addicted to and is high on life. A video recording of my entire life shouldn't be compressed to just one day - it has to be so vast, that it exceeds the disk size of that first blackhole image. 7-zip should fail to zip my life, because there should be no redundant data(right now my life.zip must be less than 1kb). 

I know I won't feel this way in my darkest moments, but it's worth remembering and trying.

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PS: Loved writing blog after 6 months!

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PPS: I realized after writing this, that I already had similar epiphany and forgot it! So here we go, Related Posts:  LIFE ON AUTO-PILOT : ZOMBIE MODE LIVING

I guess, routine may help in bringing some kind of stability to your life and let you focus on important things, but look out - routine may take over your life completely. Remember, there are so many awesome things out there to try.