Drifting and Looping Through Life

Drift, Loop, Repeat

"I don't really experience the passing of time. I do use it as a lotion occasionally." - Janet

Lock down life is 99% looping - the 1% novelty comes from the coronavirus news, because corona is a novel virus, get it? Pardon me, I am drunk on coffee. But do you ever feel like your life in general is mostly drifting and looping? It's like you are watching a poorly written movie called "Your Shitty Life" - watching yourself as a third person. It's so badly written that you never connect with the hero of the story - you don't care if he/she dies.

Ever feel like, you have lost the sense of time? And it's not because of the lock down? When a memory pops in your brain, you just can't seem to figure out if it happened in the last hour or last month or last year - then you realize it's a memory from 2013, which is seven years ago. You wonder if you have been living on Miller's planet, because you can swear that 2013 happened an hour ago. Your life time has been one big cursive Jeremy Bearimy, mostly stuck in the dot of the i.

You are drifting through life like an otter in a sea.

~

"What is this, a crossover episode?" - Mr.Peanut Butter

I love Bojack Horseman, except that I hate him. I didn't sign up for watching a realistic character -  who doesn't change his life overnight, keeps screwing up despite the best intentions, accommodates few incremental changes in life with so much difficulty only to blow it all away in a moment of stupidity, toxic to the few people who are always there for him, doesn't get closure in anything - who is way too real that it's painful to watch. I don't need anxiety while watching a supposedly comedy show - "Oh God, don't do that, don't screw up your life again, don't fall back into old ways, enough with the self sabotaging, don't you see the stakes"...And then you get it, you has always been Bojacking. It's like Bojack playing the role of Philbert and finding it eerily similar to his own life.

But the worst part is - are you just Bojack or a combination of all the flaws of every character from Bojack? May be, you are also like the Dad who keeps talking about the book, but never gets anything written and then blames everything and everyone for distracting him.

Is there a voice inside you always abusing you and calling you names? (I had to pause "Stupid Piece of Shit" from Bojack and mentally prepare to watch it to resume)

"That voice, the one that tells you you're worthless and stupid and ugly? It goes away, right? It's just, like, a dumb teenage-girl thing, but then it goes away?” - Dumb Teenage Girl, who is delusional.

You search for a dose of motivation in books, movies, Netflix, everywhere if you are especially feeling super lost(like memes) - like you always do, but you have seen them all, you have snorted all the self help cocaine of the world.

Do you cringe at your current or past actions? Furiously swat a memory away, where you have screwed up or still screwing up?  Struggled to suppress thoughts with anything at 3 AM? Feel lost? Can't sleep? Gotta block all those stress monsters for a breather.

Someday you realize, you are old and you realize that your head is full of stale dreams - they are so past beyond their expiry that they have become toxic.

Do you think how you won't become this impossible fictional person you have dreamed of? Or even the reasonable fictional person the society(family & friends at least) has dreamed of you?

Do you just feel scared of everything? The world? As if the walls are all closing in on you? Feel inadequate to fight it all? Feel like quitting? May be feel like giving it all up and settle on being a monk?

How do you juggle all the 98765 falling balls, which are all feeling little vengeful against you because you have been ignoring them, so now they are all targeting to smash your face all the time?

~

Can't break out of the shitty patterns, can't break out from the dot of the i.

Oh wait, are you still reading looking for some kind of closure? There are no closures and there are no fairy tale endings. But here are couple of depressing Bojack quotes:

"You can’t keep doing shitty things and then feel bad about yourself like that makes it okay. You are all the things that are wrong with you, it's not the alcohol, or the drugs, or any of the shitty things that happened to you in your career, or when you were a kid — it's you."

"Usually when people ask how I’m doing, the real answer is I’m doing shitty, but I can’t say I’m doing shitty because I don’t even have a good reason to be doing shitty."

~
Pardon me, I am just bitter from my coffee.

~~