Thoughts - Chaos, Muse, Order and Final Work

Muse - an Inspiration

Some days I just wake up feeling low or stressed, I feel like quitting it all- leave everything and take a random train to  wherever it is going(like Shahid from Jab we met). Then my laziness and inertness get disgusted by the idea of all that effort needed to walk, to find a train or any other transport and to get lost.


No, my room is quite comfy- I can get lost in my own room, scribbling away - occasionally doodling, stopping abruptly when I get overwhelmed even after pouring out all my heart on to paper and when I find that there still seems to be a lot more to be written, a lot more paper and ink needed, a lot more energy and single mindedness to brain-vomit all the incoherent hyper-active/energized multi-dimensional thoughts that seem to be pulling apart my brain in million different directions.

More efforts to tame the crazy psycho by the shackles of words, to contain the beast on a paper, to give a coherence to all those thoughts - Chirpies / Dementors/ Distractions/Cravings.. to capture all it's madness, to make sense.

An effort to distract it from it's own self...A Coffee(or Two). A nap. A haunting song. A forgotten line from a favorite book. A profound scene from a movie. Rain. Darkness. Silence.  
No Calm though.

The racing mind refuses to succumb to any such external tranquility and goes on in it's feverish mode of running all the wild thought processes all at once - to run The Show. It can't stop and won't stop until it gets shutdown from exhaustion.It needs more. Wants more. To Dos. Decisions. Ambitions. Hustles. Chasing perfection. Running The Race whose purpose seems to be long forgotten. Chaos. Anxiety. Panic.

Then...An Eurekha moment. An idea/thought - a missing puzzle piece that seems to connect everything and light up every nook and crease of the mind. A miracle. Can't trace the origin of it - but now it has arrived and sits there like an elephant occupying the entire mind and squishing all the other thoughts that dare to take up any room. The Elephant slams down the brakes on the private party and frenzy of this relentless maniac and gets the obsessive moody freak into a HIGH state - where everything flows through with no effort. 
 
And...An interruption. The Elephant's no where to be found - only few traces are left of it. The maniac is back running The Show with the attention span of a squirrel.
Goes through mails. Checks notifications. Checks feed from different sites.
Mulls over health. Food. Water. Skin. Hair.
Worries over family and friends.
Dreads future. Career. Skills.
Falls for temptations. Blind. Craves addictions.
Gets hurt. Doesn't learn from past. Repeats itself into humiliation and despair.
Stubbornly sees patterns in randomness like a person of faith seeing God in the lit Diyas(lamps).
Makes simple things complicated.
Emotional baggage. Fears. Prejudices. Ego. Jealousy. Hopes. Dreams. Despair. Foolishness.
Protesting the unknown.
Always at conflict with it's own self.
Trapped in it's own labyrinth of chaos - thoughts, memories(past), imagination.
Hysteria all over, yet again.

A looming deadline...tries to bring back The Elephant and The Flow. But they are difficult to be summoned up. A methodical process to imitate The Elephant starts. But without The Flow, things randomly rain over in chunks.
Obsession over details without ever being able to conceive the big picture - Losing the forest for the trees.

A mental block...Where to now? Self doubt activates and nudges subtly to chuck this and do something else - points to the many more abandoned works of the past. Ego contradicts smugly that this is the best and it's all done and ready for the world. In one little fraction of a second, all the personalities unite and speak rationally - "Its not the best, it may even be the worst. But it is what it is. Leave it raw. Let it speak for itself even if its gibberish."

~

Okay, I am pretty sure you all think that I was definitely high(not HIGH) writing this. The explain-and-ruin-words-personality made me write this paragraph for the benefit of people who can't make any sense out of this post that only speaks "gibberish" to them. I was thinking since two days on what to write, but I couldn't get any ideas - I had several half written abandoned drafts, but nothing was appeasing to me in these two days. My mind was filled with many thoughts - work, family etc. Out of blue, I suddenly started writing the first paragraph of this post. Then that was it, I couldn't continue. I had to connect several scrambled pieces as and when they occurred to my mind.

Okay, okay, TL;DR: Inspiration(Muse) is random. Order emerges(probably) from chaos.
"Don't wait for inspiration, act in the anticipation of its apparition." - The War of Art
"That complex mushy squishy jello in your head with the most complicated web of thoughts is trying it's best. Give it a break." - Blossawe

~~

"Far, far, there's this little girl
She was praying for something to happen to her
Everyday she writes words and more words
Just to speak out the thoughts that keep floating inside
And she's strong when the dreams come 'cause they
Take her, cover her, they are all over
The reality looks far now, but don't go

How can you stay outside?
There's a beautiful mess inside"

- Far Far by Yael Naim

Okay, I will stop here. But listen to this song? Okay? K bye. 

~~~